Wanderer's Haven

These are unending stories of my one-sided affairs with love and life…

I Like Surprises

I thought I’d never see you again.

But I did.

I thought that was the end of us.

But it wasn’t.

Fate wanted to be funny the third time around.

And this time, we’re both laughing.

I like surprises… I love them.

Now, will you actually stay?

Will you?

I don’t plan on letting you go anyway.

You Are My Best Friend

Since day 1, all I ever wanted was to be there for you. All I ever wanted was to understand you… And to never leave you.

You are my best friend. Not only is it obligatory, but it is also because I want to.

Yet you are making it so hard for all of us. For me.

Where are you? Did you fall off the face of the earth?

I don’t want to be pushed away, to be left in the dark. I don’t want ignored phone calls, unheard voicemails. I am doing you a favor, making an effort, doing everything I can to repair what’s left of both of us.

It’s all just so goddamn hard.

But because I love you, I will try to be here for you even if my phone bills have to pay for it. I will try to understand everything you’re doing and see everything from your perspective. I will try to never ever leave you even when everyone already has… Even when all I just really want to do is to bitch slap you right on the face.

You are my best friend.

I hope you still are…

Sweet Serendipity

After we met at the library, I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since…

It was the perfect set-up. I was busy doing some research for three of my classes that day. I didn’t have enough sleep because a paper kept me up all night. I was irritated because the books that I should be reading didn’t turn up on the server. And just like a breath of fresh air, you stepped into my life with that perfectly gelled hair of yours that always reminded me a little bit of Harvey’s.

Initially, I didn’t want anything to do with you. I needed to get up on my feet, work fast, think straight and get this all done. But you didn’t let me do that, did you? Instead, you continued to pester me, ask me with questions you thought I knew the answers to. Well, you were right. I did know the answers. One year at the university had me learning all the things that I should learn about. Of course, I didn’t blame you. You’re new. But the problem was, I just didn’t have time for you. Yet funny how fate sometimes pulls the right strings and shoves you right back to where you don’t want to be. I ended up with you anyway.

Turns out, you are taking the same class, under the same professor, but on an earlier time slot, just right before mine. See? I am laughing now.

Finding it convenient to have some company, we set out on a journey to find the book before sun down. We checked again and again and again. But it just wasn’t there. We tried asking the receptionists, but it proved futile. The book didn’t exist. The title and author didn’t match. There was nothing we could do.

We left the library feeling so gloom. I didn’t know what to do next. I don’t want to screw up this term. I promised to do better, to start on a clean slate. I have been given a blank canvass. Now, I must create something wonderful.

But then again, you managed get all those things off of my mind. The second you started talking, I knew I was in trouble. It was innocent. That was what made it scary. You asked about me, about my life, my experiences in the university. I saw it in your eyes… You wanted to know me. Plain and simple. And what made it even scarier was that I actually wanted to know you too.

Fate wanted to be funny the second time around. We were walking down the oval when I asked you where you were headed. Your answer came loud and clear. You were really trying to kill me.

Seeing that we were headed to the same destination anyway (you living in the dorm I am staying) there was no reason why we shouldn’t take the Ikot jeep together. You were charming. You were funny. You weren’t the most attractive out of the bunch but you clean up really good. It was enough for me.

I got to know you too. And I rarely get excited about knowing other people. Unless they share the same interests. Or if they’re Ryan Gosling.

I was about to reach in for my wallet when you decided to play the gentleman card. You offered to pay the fare on my behalf. I didn’t want to owe anyone, especially you, but you very much insisted. I said I’d pay you anyway. But you brushed it off and told me to just write you an I O U paper and we’d be even. I took the courage and offered to pay your fare next time… And you smiled. You want a next time too?

We finally arrived. I can’t wait to exchange contacts and close our story with the proper formalities in order to open a new one. But that didn’t happen. No. You came out as fast as you entered. You got preoccupied with your friends. I have to answer a phone call. Instead of the see yous that we deserve, we were left hanging. Why did you leave it hanging?

Until now, I still think about you. What would’ve happened if we did have each others’ numbers that day? Should we be talking right now? You’re just literally a block away from me. But there’s nothing I can do about that right now.

Would I ever meet you again?

I didn’t even catch your name.

The UP Ikot Jeepney Ride That Changed Me

Today felt really awkward. And lonely. I guess it’s because of the rain. It does something to people… Especially to me.

After being a bum for the entire morning, I decided to finally get up and do something about my life… And the non-stop grumbling of my stomach. Really, the only sane thing that I could do during that moment was to hail an Ikot jeep and go somewhere with food in it. And yes, that is what I did.

Image

And it changed my life.

Psych! It didn’t actually change my life. Well, I guess it did. A little bit. But it was just really awkward. And… Awkward. Notice how much awkward I’ve used in this post? Seriously, I couldn’t even begin to emphasize how awkward it was. Whoop! There it is again.

After internally debating about my destination, I conceded with the decision of stopping at the Shopping Center. Content with myself, I proceeded to watch the droplets of rain cover the glory that is UP Diliman. Right near Kamia Residence Hall, the Ikot jeep stopped to fetch more passengers. That was when he came in.

No. He wasn’t my soulmate. Though I’m still looking forward for the day that the love of my life would sweep me off my feet and drive me to the sunset… But unfortunately, today wasn’t that day. Instead, my trance have been disturbed by quiet snickers and mocking laughter by my fellow passengers. Why? What were they so amused about?

I looked to my left. There he was, in his oversized t-shirt and XXXL jeans, carrying his book bag while trying to find a seat that could actually fit him. I looked to my right and saw this woman mouthing the words “Ang taba!” to whom, I presume, was her lover while the guy laughs maniacally across from her. The others looked at him with disgust, with loathe. The old man sitting on my left had a lot of things piled on his lap. He looked annoyed because of his entrance. He murmured the words “Ang laki mo naman… Mabibitawan ko to lahat e dahil sinisikip mo pa lalo tong dyip.” I can only guess that he heard it because he looked up to him and then to me with a certain look that I still can’t shake off my head, like he was actually daring me, challenging me to say something about his predicament. I did nothing but to stare right back while he figuratively burned holes on my entire being.

Even when he left, when the old man left still murmuring words I’ve long given up to care about, when the couple left berating each other about their bills, I couldn’t help but stare into space and think of so many things. Each thought swirling and mixing into one another until they’ve all tangled and jumbled up into one big pile of messy thoughts… It felt so awkward that I didn’t continue the ride to SC. Instead I stopped near the International Center and decided to walk from there. The fresh air could do me good. And the walk could help me process everything that had happened.

You meet so many people, all of them so different from you, maybe even rather more unfortunate than you. Here you are, always complaining, always unsatisfied… While others have had life shit on them and step on them, have had it way harsher and worse. All the while not knowing the real story behind every situation, you easily assume and conclude and judge and tease and bully… I had the chance to speak up my mind a while ago. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I let some fear crowd over me, take me and swallow me and right after, spit me out to a dark corner where I can wallow on my guilt, on my shame. I let it slide pass me. It happened right in front of me and I could’ve done something. People like me should be ostracized from society.

After I beat up myself, mentally that is, I’ve also come to grow and learn from this experience. Also, some Mang Larry’s Isaw did the trick.

All Aboard the Love Train

All Aboard the Love Train

As I have and always been in love with the idea of Prague (my third most favorite place in the world– though I’ve never been), I decided to hit it up on Google just to pass time. And my search has led me to this very interesting article that I know all hopeless romantics would stand in queue for.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Love Train… All aboard!

Basically, officials have deemed it helpful to create train carriages specifically targeted to all the single men and women of Prague so that their search for love could be narrowed down to one secular setting.

Set aside online dating sites, the love train is in the house.

This is actually a pretty good idea… Imagine, a train filled with lust-infested individuals that would want to motorboat on each other. And then you’d meet someone who you will really care about to motorboat with and more. What could be so un-cliched?

But what are they going to do with the creepers and pedophiles who might loiter and attract lovelorn females and gullible transvestites desperate of a hook-up or something? I’m sorry but I just had to say that.

I hope they can fix every loophole before they get this up and running. We don’t want to tell our future grandkids that there was no such thing as a love train now, would we? That would be every child’s nightmare.

(italicized. New Girl Reference)

Who You Are Now

It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. I can’t remember the last time we did, but I know for sure you were different back then, way different… You used to be a part of my world. Now, I don’t you anymore.

Is this what you’ve become?

A fictionalized version of all things you’re not?

A stubborn, proud, self-centered bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone?

A messed up, shit-faced shit who can’t even tell the difference between what’s right or wrong?

All for a guy who can’t provide you a good future, who’s wasted all the time, who’s unhealthy as those Americans who eat nothing but fast food? Well fuck, if this is what you call love then I don’t want to be anywhere near it. Move it as far away from me as possible.

I am your best friend. I was… But if you’re just going to turn your back on me, on everything, then promise me you wont come crawling back.

I am hurt. I am disappointed. I just don’t know you anymore.

Who are you?

Rain, Rain, Don’t Go Away

There’s that all too familiar pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof again.

I wish I was locked up in a room right now, snuggled in my favorite blanket, with my battered hand-me-down copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. The Smith’s Asleep just hummed away its first few notes and my cup of coffee (though Dad always preferred tea) continues to cool down beside me. As I flip through the pages, I smell that distinct, musty scent that only old books have. And I am suddenly transported back in time, when I was just a little girl, innocent and untainted– completely unaware that the boogeyman who used to hide in my closet is actually real but are now likely recognized as politicians and credit cards rather than monsters lurking (but there’s not much difference, is there?) somewhere in the dark.

And then, I get lost in the colored people’s lives. And then I think about my own life and how I longed to have Scout’s innocence and Atticus’ wisdom and wish I viewed the world in Boo Radley’s front porch. I get so lost in these thoughts that I have already forgotten about the rain and my problems and the people around me and him.

Just as the The Smiths hit the last notes, so did the rain. And my coffee’s cold.

I wish it was raining again.

The One That Got Away

To You

I don’t know how many voicemails I’ve left you, but I’m not keeping count. I’m not going to ask where you are because that would be pointless, seeing that you’ve already cut all contact. Apparently, you just don’t trust me enough… We grew up together, we’ve been together most of our lives, but I guess 18 years of laughter and tears weren’t enough for you, was it?

What happened? Why did you leave just like that?

I was rendered speechless and heartbroken. I felt undeniably betrayed. I thought it was the two of us against the world? Against all odds? I thought I was Bonnie and you were Clyde?

But you left me completely hanging around the corner. And now I’m all alone, picking up the pieces of what you left and trying to place it back together.

I would just like to understand; help me understand what is going on and what you’re trying to prove. If you just so much care for what we had and what we have been through, please, if you care about my sanity– help me understand. Because as much as I want to, believe me I do, I really can’t. There are so many things going on right now, so many emotions that I don’t know where to be begin. If someone just cares enough, help me.

Because to be honest, I am tired of racking my brains out, tired of defending you, tired of believing in you. Although the entirety of your action, I might never and will never understand, I would just like you to know that my love for you will always remain the same. I wont reprimand you because you know very well that no matter how wrong and terrible and shitty this big unexpected gesture you have committed, I respect you and I am here for you in all the days of my life.

But come back up for air too. Please?

Loop-Swoop-Pull

(04/26/13)

So I just taught myself how to properly tie my shoelaces through YouTube. I know, right? And no. I didn’t mean that I have been incompetent for the entirety of my existence, thank you very much. But for the past 17 years, I’ve only accustomed myself with tying it using the rabbit-ear technique which, for my part at least, has been really ineffective. Now, I’ve completely mastered the Loop-Swoop-Pull technique… Not at all surprising that my family has been unaware of this. And for those who already knew, I am sorry that it took me years to figure that one. Yes, I have been living under a rock. Coincidentally, I am turning 18 this year. This accomplishment (re: tying my shoelaces the proper way) makes me one step closer from becoming an adult.

Simple and insignificant as it may seem, I just felt compelled to share this. Okay bye.

Cut the Bullshit

You know what I hate most in the world?

People pretending they know and understand what other people are going through.

It sucks really. Because the truth is, you don’t know what the other is going through. You don’t understand even a fraction of what the other is going through. So how dare you say things are going to be okay? How dare you say better things are going to come?

Shut up. Because you don’t know anything.

So next time you come across someone with their heads down and shoulders slouched, don’t give that clichéd you-deserve-better spiel. I know it sounds good in your head, but let me tell you the truth, it isn’t. Just sit down, light a cigarette, cut the bullshit and give it straight– Life’s a bitch and you’re just the unlucky bastard whom life decided to shit on today. Then I guess include that tomorrow-is-another-day crap you’ve been wanting to say since the beginning of this post.

This sounds better, don’t you think?